And have kept it off for 16 years. In. A. Row.
It has been a journey of learning the same lessons over and over, often through failure. A journey of trying to be a role model for my daughters through actions, while biting my tongue. A journey of overindulging, only to be followed by self forgiveness. A journey of self acceptance, self love, and trusting myself. And how that greedy lie of perfection tries to steamroll the divine grace of imperfection.
The day before I gave birth to Emma, I weighed a little over 260 pounds. I knew that after I had this baby, I needed to get control over my eating and my body.
Three weeks later, I stepped into a Weight Watchers and made a commitment. My goal was to lose 100 lbs by Emma's first birthday. In fact, my actual real live thought bubble sounded like this: "I will go to the meetings. I will follow the rules. I will walk regularly. I will track my food. I will lose the 100 pounds clinging to my body. And then I will be happy."
Reality of that first year: I went to the meetings. I followed the rules. I walked with a triple jogging stroller regularly. I tracked my food. I lost the 100 pounds that clung to my body. And I was not happy.
That, my friends, is when my therapy started. My unfolding of worthiness began.
My current body image thought bubble sounds like this: You weigh 153 pounds and some change. Your weight does not define you, and will never measure the fact that you are a child of God. You are here to do some important shit. You are here to shine. There will be days when you eat peanut M and M's while wearing your pajama's in your closet, hiding from your family and life. You have an opportunity to choose forgiveness of self when this happens. Because it will happen.
You know for a fact, you feel better about life when you move your ass on the daily. You also know there will be days when you don't feel like moving said ass. Do it anyways. You will thank yourself later.
Keep practicing gratitude and self love. There will days it flows through you like water in a crystal clear stream. And days when that same stream is murky, and you are filled with negative self talk. You are an emotional filled ambrosia and there will be some shit you would rather stuff with food, than feel. Try to recognize your triggers of overwhelm, resentment, and frustration and honor those feelings.
Forgiveness will be a regular practice. Know your worth. Don't settle and don't hustle. You know from experience, these behaviors don't deliver long term.
Keep trusting yourself...through meditation, by eating enough protein, by surrounding yourself with positive people.
By channeling the Divine and Universal love that holds all, knows all, is all.
Keep choosing YOU. Keep doing the work. Keep showing up.
Because you know what? It is your birthright to be joyful and thriving.
In fact, it is your God Damn superpower.