You name it: wooden bench, playground swing, concert seat: for as long as I can remember, I have had a fear of something not being strong enough to hold me.
In the back of my mind, I believe the girth of my body will smash the item below me into tiny pieces. I am not sure what to call this improbable anxiety but I have a triple dose coursing through my veins on the regular.
It is sort of a colossal mind fuck.
Imagine my surprise when I willingly registered for an Aerial Yoga class. Just to be clear: I do not “practice” yoga. I own a yoga mat and yoga pants. That’s as far as it goes. But if I was in charge of the world there would only be one pose: the dead one - savasana.
And here, I signed up for a class that literally has all 5 feet 11 inches and I’m not telling you how much I weigh, suspended from the ceiling by a cloth hammock ribbon. Sketchy as F to say the least.
Sarah, our wise Circus instructor, began by asking “Why did you come today?” I knew my answer. I can’t do yoga, but I can talk.
I answered, “I want to conquer my fear that I’m too big to be held.”
Dear reader: think about that statement. Clearly, it states all the BS that I have used as armor for survival.
It is code for:
I don’t need help.
I will do it all myself.
I don’t want to put you out asking for help.
Let me help you before I help myself.
Relaxing is a weakness - I must work hard all the time.
I take up too much space.
I will break something.
GIRL - chill the fuck out, and BE HELD. Let go. Fall back into the red hammock that can support up to 350 pounds (I know this because I asked).
Was hanging from the ceiling difficult? Yes. Was it stupid fun? Absolutely. Did I laugh? More than I have in a long time. Did I cry? Yes, all by myself in my little cocoon at the end.
I am proud of myself. I did it. Fully suspended. Nothing broke. My sense of self harnessed back into me. I trusted myself.
I was held.
Hello friend,
I would like to invite you to a FREE Soul Sauce hour of writing through Insight Timer - a FREE meditation app where I happen to be a teacher.
April 18 from 9-10 am PT online
Comments