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Held

You name it: wooden bench, playground swing, concert seat: for as long as I can remember, I have had a fear of something not being strong enough to hold me. 


In the back of my mind, I believe the girth of my body will smash the item below me into tiny pieces. I am not sure what to call this improbable anxiety but I have a triple dose coursing through my veins on the regular. 


It is sort of a colossal mind fuck.


Imagine my surprise when I willingly registered for an Aerial Yoga class. Just to be clear: I do not “practice” yoga.  I own a yoga mat and yoga pants. That’s as far as it goes. But if I was in charge of the world there would only be one pose: the dead one - savasana. 


And here, I signed up for a class that literally has all 5 feet 11 inches and I’m not telling you how much I weigh, suspended from the ceiling by a cloth hammock ribbon. Sketchy as F to say the least.


Sarah, our wise Circus instructor, began by asking “Why did you come today?” I knew my answer. I can’t do yoga, but I can talk.

I answered, “I want to conquer my fear that I’m too big to be held.”


Dear reader: think about that statement. Clearly, it states all the BS that I have used as armor for survival. 


It is code for:

I don’t need help.

I will do it all myself.

I don’t want to put you out asking for help.

Let me help you before I help myself.

Relaxing is a weakness - I must work hard all the time.

I take up too much space.

I will break something.


GIRL - chill the fuck out, and BE HELD. Let go. Fall back into the red hammock that can support up to 350 pounds (I know this because I asked).


Was hanging from the ceiling difficult? Yes. Was it stupid fun? Absolutely. Did I laugh? More than I have in a long time. Did I cry? Yes, all by myself in my little cocoon at the end. 


I am proud of myself. I did it. Fully suspended. Nothing broke. My sense of self harnessed back into me. I trusted myself. 


I was held.


Hello friend,

I would like to invite you to a FREE Soul Sauce hour of writing through Insight Timer - a FREE meditation app where I happen to be a teacher.


April 18 from 9-10 am PT online







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